I decided spontaneusly to drive home this evening rather than tomorrow during the day. I (very mistakenly) expected  the kids to fall asleep sometime early during the rida, but instead they were lovely and awake until I very decidedly told them to sleep or be quiet after sundown at 10:44 p.m. (which was four and a half hours into our drive) they already slumber in the big bed, where I am going to join them presently.

It was lovely and exhausting and I came back to a perfectly cleaned up house, because my beloved husband had organized one of our helpers to come and clean our apartment while I was gone. She even did the laundry.
I love her. and him. and no I am going to bed knowing that I will wake up in a tidy apartment.

What a relaxing thought!

 I have no Idea when I will be online again, could be saturday this week, or the next. I am off to Switzerland tomorrow, with my two girls but my husband is leaving for Brisbane. I am trying to pack everything tonight, except for the expensive stuff, and I will hit the road early morning. I am hoping that by noon, when the heat becomes unbearable I am already in Tripstrill, which is a Park with wild animals and woods near my friend from kindergarten, whom I meet way too seldom these days. Our daughters are almost as fond of each other as we are ( my husband was her former Bfriend ;)) and since her place is somewhat middlish to our destination in Schwitzerland it is a good place to stop. Our apartment will be free sometime in  the afternoon on Saturday, so we will slepp over and spend some more time. The problem is, that this is the beginning holidays for those who didn't leave directly after their kids finished the year, but stayed until the end of the week, who will be on the road either on friday afternoon or saturday, but I hope this way I can avoidf the most gruesome of traffic. We do NOT have an A/C in the car. Sigh. Reminds me: need to pack a blanket to cover the car and wet. keeps the car from heating up before one hits the road. It looks like we will have rather constant rain there :D but that would be ok.

ttyl guys.

 My lovely friend Cathrin Pitt, writer extraordinaire, is turning a day older ;)

Happy Birthday, my dear, may all your wishes come true

 Curentyl my life is a mess. I am a housestuck mom with two kids and a husband who is making a career by going all over the world (which is part of the housestuck but only because I am not in any shape to hold a job as a single mum with two kids one of which has serious demands on extra time due to her dyslexia and giftedness and our shitty school system.) I quit being a self employed lawyer last year because I was in a bad depression and working in this area worsened my condition. And I believed I might be ab le to make it as a writer. I was - for a while- really sure that I could make it as a writer. After making that choice I have not been written anything worth mentioning. My grandmother died and I haven't really faced this. We are four active people with various  hobbys in a 73 square meter appartment. our household is falling apart. And I am not able to keep it together. Laundry is piling up ever since our old washine machine broke down and the new one is taking Ages to wash (it is a used one. Sigh) My kids are sick at stupid times (I know that is to be expected). I cannot finish one thing in peace. Instead I am stuck in this mess since I am unable to get these things done. they pile up. unfinished. it is like I am scared to start anything new because I expect it to be something else on that huge pile. I worked almost three hours in the kitchen. It still looks like before. Instead of getting to the necessary sorting and cleaning of the shelves and throw out what needs to be thrown out etc. I had to thaw the freezer, because somebody didn't close it correctly before we left on saturday. To do that I had to clean it out, store the stuff (in sauna wether, too) clean clean clean. I managed to get a little else done but then I had to cook food and deal with my older kid. etc etc. Hubby and I are having Issues regarding money and how to spend it, or NOT. we changed accounts this year and not everything got handled all that well and we are having to deal with some repercussions now. Which is a really bad time since he is on two other continents this months and all in all maybe 6 days here, while there is vacation time. full vacation. meaning including the little one. We don't have a house and our garden is two flights of stairs down. so summer vacation is going to cost even staying here....SIGH

It is not really bad.
It just is a real
Mess

 Just heard that they are not doing a third season of Terminator the Sarah Connor Chronicles. How can that be! It was one of the best shows in television. They did so many things right for a movie adapted to television format. it was an intelligent show, a superb Cast. TOO BAD! Things were just getting very interesting.

 I just had the weirdest experience leaving me hurt and hollow even though I thoroughly expect it to be a technical problem and nothing else.

I just tried to comment on a post, and couldn't do it directly.
I had wondered why so many of the comments were anonymous, typed my comment and then when I submitted it I got the message that I could post to this journal. that in fact I might be banned from posting in said journal.

Now I don't remember having posted anything to said journal before. The person has never friended me back, but had been very helpful on one occasion (Its a SCAdian form another continent) I mainly follow his journal because his device is kinda similar to the one my husband is hoping to get accepted soon.

Banned?

Why would anybody ban comments of me? I am not a snark, I am not posting meaness, not on my journal not on somebody elses.
Please can somebody tell me, that this is most likely a techniucal problem?

I don't know why this hurts. I don't know the person. I just wish I knew. If I ever have done something so offensive to motivate somebody to block my comments I really would like to know.

I have been frantically working  at creative stuff up until coronation. Which I didn't attend. The presents were well received. Now, I am empty. I don't know why I am so up and downish. I am running after the rush of good work, often the result is less than what I had imagined even more dispappointed than before. 

An Idea is like a fire. and it burns and consumes whatever energy I have been able to save from my every day life, which some days feels like such a drain. I know I should get moving, clean up the house, do laundry or at least write. I am healthy, no headaches prevent me from getting up. but the idea of it is already such a drain. I know that feeling. I have only recently stopped taking my anti depressents. I get a lot more creative energy since then. And I am feeling fine most of the time. I just also feel exhausted most of the time. 

I do have time for myself, I am merely wasting it. And I know it. Maybe I am just a lazy prick. then again I need to check in with my doctor tomorrow or on friday getting some blood work done, since there is the possibility that I am suffering from Hashimoto which is an auto immune disease attacing the thyroid (if I understood it correctly), which could also have an effect on my energy swings. then again, I also just switched contraceptives, which resulted in me having a life again during my *special* days, but hormoen level changes can also do a lot to your system. and it might just be the regular Period up and downs somehow interacting.

what ever it is... I am annoyed. Mostly at myself.

 I need to find a way to cover my hair without to many needles (for whatever reason they always come undone and then I run around with half a veil or so. But I fear this *easy* style isn't it

Good thing that I made this to fit a bigger person than me.

 Renée came home at 1 a.m. today. They got stuck at Berlin Airport due to a weather turbulence. she had terribly red cheeks, so I let her sleep in, but now she would only still have phys ed so we decided to keep her today and tomorrow  it is back to school for another week.

The book apperently was well received and my lovely friend Johanna took pictures of the presentation:



this is the other book, the one I had to put together in like two hours before the husband left. It is a translation of the fighter's part of the Marshal's handbook into German, as we are having a number of German fighter's who seem uncomfortable with having to read through it in English.

I did my own letters in that one, but based it on what I got from lovely Lady aryanhwy  I would have flat out stolen her design, but alas I did not have ANY white color, so instead I made something up (which probably anybody will be able to tell, but it was pretty and acceptable to the husband) I#ll put them up a little later.

for those interested the few pictures he/ the person who happened to hold the camera took are at 
http://picasaweb.google.de/traumspindel/Coronation2009?authkey=Gv1sRgCJO7vtOWteH1_AE#

 If there is one person or more (or several!) on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal

 My husband left teh site with a firend about two hours ago, by now it is quite possible that my kid is in sweden without another person of her family. Now, my dear and lovely and capable friend is taking probably very very good care of her. Lady Johanna Steinwedel and my oldest get along very well and she gets equally well along with Lady Roby of Rye. I am halfway convinced that my husband did give Johanna the passport for Renée so that they can fly home together. But still. I will probably not stop being anxious until I can talk to hubby or Johanna in a couple of hours. Renée is scheduled for touch down at 22:50 and Andre and Walter will take turns and get the car back home.

I trust them. it just seems that my gut is a lot more doubtful, very undeservedly so. still: "Arrrghghgh"

 I just had a chat fight with a friend. At least I thought she was a friend. She is kind and generous to a fault, but she is very much: take me as I am or leave me. She is not easy to be friends with because this attitude is very stressfull as it leaves out any consideration for the other party involved. 

I don't know how you handle communications, but when somebody tells me that a certain vein of discussion is making her(him) uncomfortable and there is no need to talk that way, I at least acknowledge the fact and try to avoid such topics. 

Here it was the fact that somebody who doesn't have kids is having not only an opinion regarding my children, something she is entitled to, but an attitude. I can deal with that most of the time, when she doesn't rub it into my face repeatedly. I am a mother. It is a large part of what I am at this moment. And while I get that I am not perfect, I am doing my freaking best. I have my doubts that somebody who doesn't at least have regular and lengthy contact with children actually has anything truly useful to say about how I should raise them (And I realize that that is condecending too, and actually my very best friend does not have children and her insights are very useful but she just has massive people skills). I am not saying they are not entitled to their opinion. So was I ,when I was childless and knew "oh so much"-better, but at least I did not ignore, when somebody told me:; dear, I understand from where you are coming, but in the the end you telling me not even what to do but only that what I am doing wrong or how I am doing it, is wrong (and obviously so) sounds pretty condescending. 

Basically I told her that. And I did it sweetly. I told her that this is how it sounded to me and she said:
I wrote! Writing doesn't sound. It is ALL how you percieve it.

Well then, if this is a purely onesided conversation to the point where I am baiscally imagining what she is saying...what is the point. 


I am so angry at this.

I have been for the longest part of my life always looking at my fault first. Always. Now, her,e I am NOT at fault. I asked nicely that she should stop, she doesn't and when I keep telling her that I have issues with that, she *changes subject* in the most insulting way (talking, sorry no, writing about the weather) and I tell her, Dear if that is what you are doing then I will sign off, this is too silly.  And suddenly I am the villain.

Suddenly what I WROTE sounded offensive.

It is sad. I considered her a friend. I still do, one fight is not going to change that on its face, but I resent the underlying picture of *I don't care what you feel when I talk, it is none of my business*

It may be right and sensible of her to kepp the high ground, but I can't help feeling trampled on.

When people vent about their paid jobs I don't tell them, I am so glad I am unemployed. Or: you choose to work. I understand that they are venting and I listen and offer consolation or advise when asked for. 

I get, that not a lot of people are that Tuned in to other people. But when I flat out say, don't! I feel disrespected when you talk like that , any person of mediocre intelligence ( and I know hers is a lot more than mediocre) should be able to adjust.  at the very least saing I am sorry, that is not what I meant to say or write or whatever.

It is not nice to realize that you just don't matter that much. Because that is what it says. Or is it write?

Bordeline syndrome should not be used as an excuse to not even try.

 I guess it has something to do with me being terribly busy before coronation to finish this project or that. But now that my husband and daughter have confirmed their arrival and my first car-less day with my little one is over, now that I have posted on my blog regarding the ongoing plannery of feast, got my new glasses (pink :O) and my lundby stool. I feel exhausted. Tired. and a bit lonely. Everybody is going to Sweden, well at least a lot of people and I hope they enjoy themselves to the fullest but seriously if it wasn't for the neckbreaking trip and the financial concerns and the little one being so difficult these days and.. well, I just wish I could have gone. I know it is only three more days, but it feels like forever. And I am tired. makes me cranky.

How come I did make another book. I will show you pictures after Coronation. This one was initially 12 pages (at least that is what my beloved told me. 12 Din4 (roughly but  not actually lettersize). translates into 156 (!) pages of Din A 5 (which would be about half letter sized) with an appropriate font size (12 pt) and the occasional empty line to structure the text and some embellishments (I took the inspiration for my own Letters from Aryanhwy they are gold on red and blue, but I didn't have the white color to keep her lovely lines. So instead I made the golden letters be embellished with green and red. It looks nice, but not terribly A, methinx. But it is overall, nice and tiny.  Now, it is indeed a Handbook. I am not happy with the outside of it, but my beloved is, so, since it is his present, everything should be alright.

I am going to pick up my little one now, so I don't have to go and pick her up by bus, when the others are away. AWAY! buhhuhuh! WIthout me.Buhuh. I am of course envious but at the same time I KNOW this is the right decision. The trip is too much for Manou and thus too much for all of us with her. She is already heartbroken that she can't come, if I left her alone with my MIL she would never forgive me (and I mean never, that kid can hold a grudge).

Too bad, that summer vacation doesn't start until the week after next. If that wasn't so, we could all go, take our time and stay in lovely Sweden afterwards for a little longer. Trust the Schulamt to ruin your day.

 I still need to d one more seam (but I am hoping Heinrich will do it as he knows so much more about leather working. I also fear It might be too short, but It opens alright.
It is light years from perfect, but for a first try under extreme time constrains I rather like it

 part one of the handsewing challenge. completly handsewn.a

 Characters:

1. Matho- a boy who lost at least three fathers and one mother. He has the power to manipulate the *twilight*, (the power all living and dead things emit on this pane of existence) Light and shadow are useless to him.
2. Eric - a man in love with his bestfriend/chosen brother's ex wife. determined, controlling and a lawyer
3. Atego- undercoverprince who is chosen to become a certain kind of warrior which would prevent him to be king. He has a pack of wolves running with him and he can switch bodies with the lowest in the pack.
4. Aslar - a gifted child who had chosen to be walking the path of the *knower*, learning the wisdom that is already in the world and preserving that. She is chosen to walk the warrior path on the day she would other wise have finished her training as apprentice knower. headstrong and insecure.
5.Brendan - was kicked out by his wife because he was in love with somebody else, force to leave his house, his kids and the woman he had chosen to stay with. 
6. Tolgau -a nighterl, soldier, member of a feared  comunity if people who can see and talk to earthbound spirits
7.*dogmatic* - an otherwise unnamed char. this is his internet ID. He is physic.
8. Binib - apparently an idiot with a hunchback (but actually a prince in disguise)
9. Rosi - a little (about a thumb's lenght) fairy who lost her tail
10.Porfyr - a man who turns into a dragon when he loses touch with the earth

Questions and Answers:

1)  4 invites 3 and 8 to dinner.  What happens?

would sense something off about the Binib guy. Binib would be hard pressed to keep his disguise up in their presence. As a warrior of that particular order Atego would start to interrogate him. more force fully with each evasion. Aslar would be stumped at this, as the only reason she might invite Binib would have been pity.

2) 9 tries to get 5 to go to a strip club.  What happens?

Not that Brendon wouldn't go to a strip club with a friend but if he saw a little fairie sparkling, clearly still a child, talk him into going into a strip club he brobably think t hat his guilt got the better of him and that he should quit alcohol or any other intoxication substances for a long time.

3) You need to stay at a friend's house overnight.  Who do you choose: 1 or 6?
Tolgau. Matho is too young and sulky for my taste right  now.

4) 2 and 7 are making out.  10 walks in.  What is 10's reaction?
whatever. I guess. he's not the type to care.


5) 3 falls in love with 6.  8 is jealous.  What happens?
that be weird and somethig hard tow rite since none of my chars are gay I'd say though that that there'd be violence. first verbal and then physical. and a LOT of confusion. for everybody involved


6) 4 jumps you in a dark alleyway.  Who comes to your rescue: 10, 2, or 7?
 Dogmatic *7* would be the only one capable of knowing early enough to help. Aslar is MEAN.

 7) 1 decides to start a cooking show.  Fifteen minutes later, what is happening?
yummness. He is a decent cook.

8) 3 has to marry either 8, 4, or 9.  Whom does 3 choose?
Aslar. She is the one who taught him that last lesson of the body before becoming a warrior. And he LIKED it. (so did she, so he actually has a chance that she might accept)

9) 7 kidnaps 2 and demands something from 5 for 2's release.  What is it?

not too much I hope because right now Eric is not in brendan's good book, but psychic dogmatic would know that soo ...maybe.. the use of the old lodge in the woods.. or something. Its not really something my dear dogmatic would do ever anyway... he would have to bee very desperate and he would know that straight out asking for help would work with these two.


10) Everyone gangs up on 3 does 3 have a chance in hell?
did I mention he has a pack of wolves running with him? otoh What is a pack of wolves against a dragon, but throwing in the shapeswitching I's still say: definitely a chance


11) Why is 6 afraid of 7?

because Tolgau keeps secrets


12) 1 arrives late for 2 and 10's wedding.  What happens and why was 1 late?

Just two hundred pages ago Porfyr (10) told him that he wanted to marry Matho's(1) sister. clearly he has issues.


13) 5 and 9 get roaring drunk and end up at your house.  What happens?
I'd give brendan an earful, drinking with fairies.... and childfairies no less... what is teh world coming to.


14) 9 murders 2's best friend.  What does 2 do to get back at 9?

destroy her tail again. But Rosi doesn't do killing, she is afraid of cats.


15) 6 and 1 are in mortal peril and only one can survive.  does 6 save himself or 1?
He would save Matho. It is his job and he does not fear death per se.



16) 8 and 3 go camping.  For some reason, they forgot to bring along any food.  What do they do?
hunt. n.p.


17) 5 is in a chariot crash and is critically injured.  What does 9 do?
stay with him.not much else she could do being a tiny fairy nobody believes in in Brendan's world.
 

 I had plans for today. but of course
my baby is sick.
so much for plans

 It is one of the weird things about being a parent, sometimes you are stuck being bored. My eldest is sick, my youngest way too awake. So I cannot do the usual evening routine which buys us a couple of minutes of adult time and have them play ogether in their room. My husband is out counting votes so I will have the task of reading to them and getting them too bed. The point at which I have to do it is about 15 minutes. I am tired and cranky. Thus. I am stuck. bored.annoyed. can't start any project right now, since I will have to stop just when I'll get going, which will make me even more cranky and frustrated. thus I don't start. I am bored. I could instead clean up. but while I admit that is more useful and I will be happy to interupt it for getting the kids to bed cleaning up is not really that much less boring. And I cannot start on my silk stockings since I need sewing silk in red for that, which I will have to purchase tomorrow. When My sick kid stays at home instead of going to school. Sigh.

 I set up a blog for the event: if you like to check it out this is the url
http://dragoninwinter.blogspot.com/