Log in

No account? Create an account

emotions 101 Vol.II

guilt and fear

quick note: no, I am not focussing more on these 'negative' emotions more than on the more pleasant ones like joy and contentment I am just dealing with these first because these seem to create mor problems than the hedonistic ones.
 behind the cut to keep your friendspage shortCollapse )

Anger and Anger issues

 I chose to honor my emotions. It has been my path to see how I feel, analyse it and accept it. When I am angry, I am angry, when I am furious, I am furious, when I am in love I am in love. I have come to accept that that is NOT what most people do.

I Have issues with the way society - or in my case to two societies that I am living in - are handling emotions. I disagree with a lot of the publicly endorsed judgement calls. Like:
your husband cheats on you: you GOT to leave him (btw mine isn't, that is not the issue)
it is not ok or somehow demeaning to chose to stay a family for the kids (usually said by peeps who either don't have kids or are already divorced)

I think we have a lot of emotions in our bags. And I think we do the tool kit we have been given a great disservice by the way we have been handling it. I see quite a number of human being around me, male and female, who have absolutely no handle on their emotions. Which in turn means that emotions have a huge handle on them and they often feel out of control of their lifes. that , often, leads to insecurity and is often turned into a lashing out at the world in general.

I tend to be one of the people which act like a magnet for these free flowing negative emotions. People and YES I do mean random people, not just people I chose to be near. People like the person parking next to me, like the doctor in the hospital, like the cashier or the waitress attack me.
And here's the kicker. they don't do it for a reason that I can discern. And believe me I tried. I nearly drove myself insane by listening to everybody in their second cousin's advise on how *I* need to change.  Since -allegedly - only I have a problem with this, there must be something wrong with me. So I tried: I tried being less decisive, I tried being less open, I tried speaking softly, I tried to never interupt anybody. Some of you will laugh. because in your opinion I never did that. but then very few of you knew me all my life and I have been struggling with this all my life.

I don't believe any emotion to be superior or infirior to another, I think.
Partly writing this down is making sure I understand things and sharing it is to solicit input. I am given the impression that people think there is a basic, a fundamental hirarchie to emotions and I wonder if that is REALLY true, or just some emotional illusion that is considered correct in this day and age and that I don't understand.

1. love is the 'best' emotion.
I don't fundamentally disagree with this. Love tempers everything. Love, if given unconditionally is fundamentally good. Or is it? I have always loved my man with no reservation. I never was one of the 'if he only was different' or 'I am sure I can change him'
I had always hoped that me being there for him - unconditionally -  would help him heal. But it didn't. It enabled him. He turned into somebody I don't even know anymore. Because my love cannot heal. It can only offer, never take by force, never control, never interfere without just cause. And now my marriage is in deep deep trouble and I have been there for a while already. maybe it is because we are wrong for each otehr, or maybe because anything given freely is not valued much...I don't know.

2. sexual/romantic love is the basis of a marriage the force that drives us and justifies nearly everything.
now here I do fundamentally disagree.
In my view respect, loyalty, care and similar values are the basis of a marriage. sexual love is the basis of a sexual relationship but a marriage is so much more. It is shutting up even though you need to speak out when you realize that it would be hurtful. It is postponing the argument because your parents in law have made that turkey just for you guys, It is saying something only because you know that is what the other needs to hear. It is keeping yourself honest without making that the other's business/responsiblity. It is trying to keep each other whole and walking together. side by side as individuals on the same path. comfortable, but not without challenge. While I do enjoy good sex as much as the next girl, I also think it is vastly overrated. Bad sex, however, cannot be overrated too much, sigh.

3. anger is bad, harmonie is good

Today, especially in a woman but also in a man, anger is to be avoided at all cost. Which means that we have virtually no handle on how to deal with it. Anger is a complex emotion with all kinds of effects on our abilities. It should be handled with the expertise of a bomb squad, yet all we hand our children are crowbars and a lot of movement inhibiting armor called denial and 'calm down'.

Anger is not a bad thing. It is a natural thing. It is - for some -the build-in racing gear in the stickshift that makes up our personality and drives our lifes. It comes with an entire subset of gears too:
irritation = notification by your subconsicous that something weird is going on, which could possibly affect you in a negative way
frustration= notification by your subconsicous that the current situation is not good for you and should be ended soon, preferrably in a manner better than currently anticipated.
anger= notification that something is seriously threatening or just plain wrong. that there is a situation that needs attention. lots of it. and that you need to DO SOMETHING preferrably NOW.
fury= notification that the camel is looking up and seeing that last straw, so MOVE NOW. notification that you subconsicous is convinced on some level that there is an exixtential threat to something very very dear to you.

and these are only the gears that I am familiar with and I am not by nature an ANGRY person.(even if I have become more angry with the years but mostly my reaction to bad things is sadness and hurt)

Now: the actual issue a lot people are having is, that they only have one or two reactions to anger. Because the more intense your anger becomes the more difficult intricate thinking processes become THAT is a bad thing. Because people are trained to ignore anger as long as possible, they take as much as possible and then the tiniest irritaion makes them blow up like a granate or a nuke depending on the level of accumulated frustration and your personal temper. AND THEN people tell you you have anger management issues.

And you have. Just not in the way peeps think. Your issue is, because you didn't honor your irritaion, you don't know where it came from and thus cannot truly dismiss it as insignificant. It adds up as a feeling of being treated unfairly, and because the gears are really nothing more than a level of frustation, a certain amount of irritation will turn into frustration, a certain amount of frustration turns into anger and a certain amount of anger turns into fury.

So, it is natural for a certain amount of irrition to equal fury, however,  irritation was never MEANT to be turned into fury. It was meant to be dealt with and then dismissed and moved on.but since our reaction to this emotion seems to have been turned into shut up and or fight. and fighting is clearly not called for by irritation the only thing left seems to be to shut up until you can do so no more. and then the person next to you has NO chance to see what hit her. In bad situations quite literally, but there are blows and then there are blows.

Now, with a passive agressive person, nobody but you sees the blows. With a smart passive agressive person, he/she will deny that a blow ever happend. if you proved beyond tha chance of denial that the blow actually occurs he/she will deny that this was his/her intention. You are caught in a never ending spiral of having to justify your own emotions, self doubt and the inevitable numbness that comes with time which leads your partner to opt up teh pressure to get you to react properly. which leads to......among other things isolation. Because in the 'public' eye, I am the unreasonable one. I am the demanding one, I control him. Because that is what they see. I have finally reached my fury level. though currently I am going through the numbness which is part of a grieving process, for having been so trusting. but I screamed. I hit him. and it felt like nothing but letting off the tiniest of steam of that agression that has built of ther course of so many years.because I am threatened to my very core. 

Like the spouse of an beater or a drinker, you never know when it will hit you. you will always think it is somehow your fault it will make you feel miserable and will make the other miserable. and it is tough to see, tough to deal with and there are not a lot of good books out there, though there are some.

but of course it is my fault for BEING AN ENABLER.
BUt my husband is not my responsibility.His emotional growth is his responsibility. I may want to help him, but he has to choose a way to go. and frankly currently I am past the wanting to help him. currnetly I am just so freakin tired. I will try to write about shame, guilt and jealousy tomorrow but this is it for today


 What is it about me that makes people think that it is aok, premissable or a good idea to demean me?
Why is a compliment to my sister phrased as an insult to me?
Why does my husband find it important to insist that he does more, feels more, whatever? I don't know. I don't kjnow why people think it is ok to use me as their lightning rod. I don't know why everybody assumes I am just there for them to get rid of whatever it is that is bugging them. I don't get why nobody is using tact around me. They all act grand and loving but when it boils down to it I am an easy joke. I am an easy target.

It used to bethat people told me it was because I cared. That I wouldn't get bullied if I didn't care. What Bullshit. On so many levels. I am a strong Person. I can deal with lots of problems. I may even have my measure of wisdom that enough people are taking advantage of whenever they feel like it. But when I need help it is all : sorry, you're on your own. I am in Timbuktu(literally) or you are WAY too senstive. You are taking this all wrong blah blah blah.

So, IF I am so dead wrong and IF it is all my own fault it seems that I am unfit to live my life. So what now? Do I get myself institutionalized? You know what would happen? Cause I have been on teh receiving end of that too: The therapist would be all nice, start to talk and leave all their shit on my doormat too.

And whenever I point it out everybody steps back, appalled saying some version of: „Ohh NOW I understand why you feel this way but I DIDN'T MEAN THAT!
And that is the extend of the reaction I get.
And then I am supposed to think that you guys care about me?

Am I a nebbich?
What about me gives people the feeling that I am a carpet ready to walked on.

Oh and for the record I do NOT need the kind of comments on this post that I already had here. Maybe I am dumb, but I am NOT that gullible.
It wasn't MY fault that I got bullied in school
It wasn't my fault that my dad is an erratic pasha
It wasn't my fault that my sister needed to validate herself through me
It wasn't my fault that my mum saw me as the middle child with all the firstborn expectations
It wasn't my fault that my husband didn't get the attenetion he deserevd as a child
It was my fault that I thought that he actually means what he pays lipservice to
It is my fault that I cannot get through to my dad that he hurts me without a second thought and that that fact alone hurts even more.

Crap the only people who have the right to be selfish with regard to me are my kids
and compared with teh freaking adults they are perfectly respectful and loving.

Why is everybody treating me like I don't deserve better? And then, tell me: off course you do! Look I am sorry, what esle do you want me to do? You are SOO demanding

LOOK YOURSELVES I am NOT demanding nothing but honesty at least to yourselves. Stop blaming me for the shit you are doing.

Just feraking stop. Or one day, I will have to put a stop to that.

Spirit Day

Originally posted by neo_prodigy at Spirit Day

It’s been decided. On October 20th, 2010, we will wear purple in honor of the 6 gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes at at their schools. Purple represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you and respect you for who you are, no matter your sexuality. Please wear purple on October 20th. Tell your friends, family, co-workers, neighbors and schools.

RIP Tyler Clementi, Seth Walsh (top)
RIP Justin Aaberg, Raymond Chase (middle)
RIP Asher Brown and Billy Lucas. (bottom)

REBLOG to spread a message of love, unity and peace.

trying to set up a recipe collections

ON  elisandecooks.blogspot.com/ I will drop my culinary exploits, medieval and mundane. But I promise if a recipe makes it there, it will be super yummy


Made it back home safely here are some pictures picasaweb.google.de/traumspindel/20100814

pennsic meme

 1) Where are you staying?
Drachenwald camp (no idea where that is on  the map)

2)When are you arriving?
Saturday the 7th of August

3) What cool stuff are you doing?
Did I say I am camping with Drachenwald? ;) Sozializing with my new groups (from ponte alto and Frederik and my lovely friend Lady Sophia Kress and her charming son); Preen ;) (new dress) shopping, seeing the glories and enjoying the food at camp Blackstar. other than that I want to do a couple of classes and mainly will drift along.

4) What is you sca name?
Elisande Walters (even if the scrolls say I need to spell it Elisant)

Request for song suggestions

Dear F-list,
one of the reasons why I am not posting as I used to is ,that while I am writing, it is mostly German and I don#t get as much done as I should because the last six weeks I have started a good workout regime (except for the last, god, do all mothers HATE vacation time? I wonder) I get the best resulyt with good music and listening to this www.youtube.com/watch is my beginning song and when I feel the energy running out I usually get it twice more done with this music. It is the absolutely RIGHT rhythm for me biking and RUNNING, I hate running, but with this it works. So I wonder, do you guys have a song like this? cause I am trying to get me a perfect workout CD done. Show me the links to your most favourite workout songs (and then I will ofcourse get them perfectly legal on I tunes or the store.



I just read a book called the male brain. ok, now can we stop the laughter and the comments on relative langth of this  book. While it is more of a novella than an epic, it is a rather nice compilation of knowledge about how the brain functions, and how the male brain function can be used ever so conviniently as an excuse to not ever look at yourself. Now, It is a little useful book and teh lady who wrote it never said it was the ultimate guide to having a great realtionship either. But overall I find the book not overly enlightening. I also don't agree wth her conclusions drawn on the function of the brain. there was a lot about agression and on how they couldn't help themselves to do certain things. Well, nobody ever gave us that particular excuse. if we wanted our fair share of the world we had to *man* up.

Now, I also don't find half of her stuff particularly manly, I had very similar experiences, I also think she focusses overly on the situation in the US, while that is good and well in an american market I find it difficult that she draws conclusions regarding biology from only american data. She also mentioned some swedish studies, but those are not regarding the *competetive* agression. 

The only part that I found an important thing to read and I recommend getting it from your library if you have a teenage (or soon to be teenage) son. there seems to be some very distinct differences in the developing male brain from female brains. It  may not help in the parenting per se but it will help in reducting teh subjective frustration. I love one sentence: She was quoting a dad telling his wife:
"He is just behaving like a typical boy, once he has been grounded for long enough he'll come around" ;)
It reminded me of an pother wise rather horrific book about old fashioned style of parenting:
"Any prohibition/Verbot needs to be enforced with an iron fist: which is the reason why one shouldn't forbid overly much!"

So there
That's it. My 2 cents

Help! Unfamiliar pest

 I have been stung or bitten for the third time IN my house by a tinie tiny little ant like thingie. It was smaller than most ants I see and their bites/stings hurt badly, I have a swollen area around that bite for a very very long  time it hurts. sigh HELP?



Latest Month

November 2010



RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow